5.3. WEDDINGS AND DIVORCES
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5.3.1 Introduction |
A
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Scan the extracts and put the passages in the right order. |
British wedding customs and superstitions
The decision to get married is one of the most important decisions in life. Therefore, it is no wonder that there are so many customs and superstitions associated with weddings. A lot of wedding traditions go back to folklore and pre-Christian times and used to protect marrying couples against bad luck and evil spirits.
A
In the past, however, choosing when to marry was a serious affair. Saturdays were considered unlucky, and so were Fridays, especially Friday the 13th. This old rhyme advises a wedding to happen in the first half of the week:
Monday is for wealth
Tuesday for health
Wednesday the best day of all
Thursday for losses
Friday for crosses
Saturday for no luck at all
B
As it is important for the bride and groom to look and feel great on the most important day of their life, they need some help. The bride chooses her sister or a close friend to be her chief bridesmaid. Originally, bridesmaids were young women dressed the same way as the bride to confuse evil spirits and protect the bride. The chief bridesmaid, or the Bridesmaid of Honour, helps the bride to choose her dress, get dressed on the day and assists with the actual wedding ceremony. If it is a church wedding, she follows the bride and her father up the isle and holds the bride’s bouquet during the ceremony. The groom also has a helper. The Best Man, who is normally the groom’s best friend, plays an important part in any wedding. He helps the groom to get dressed, organizes the stag party and generally coordinates the whole event.
C
In the past young people could not just fall in love and decide to get married. First, they needed to obtain their parents’ consent. In fact, quite often it was the parents who decided who their children should marry. When the prospective groom had obtained his father’s consent to marry, a formal marriage proposal had to be made. The prospective groom did not propose in person but sent his friends or members of his family to represent his interests to the prospective bride and her family. If they saw a blind man or a pregnant woman during their journey, it was believed that the proposal would not be accepted as these signs were thought to bring bad luck. If, however, they saw wolves, this was a good omen which would bring good fortune to the marriage. I just wonder what the hungry wolves thought of it!
D
Choosing the right day for the wedding is the next thing to be considered. Now the most popular day is Saturday as most people work during the week As there are only four Saturdays in any month, summer weddings need to be booked a year in advance!
E
The last part of the wedding is the reception. Traditionally, guests are offered a wedding cake. Originally cakes were flat and round and contained fruit and nuts that symbolized fertility. Now wedding cakes have three tiers. The new shape is believed to have been inspired by the unusual spire of Saint Bride’s Church in the City of London. The couple make the first cut together to symbolize their shared future. It is said that if unmarried guests place a piece of wedding cake under their pillow before sleeping, it will increase their chances of finding a partner.
F
However, this is just the beginning of the serious business of wedding planning. Weddings are not cheap, so a careful budget needs to be set. An average wedding in Britain costs £10-12,000. To a large extent, the cost depends on how many guests are invited, which normally is around 150. Traditionally, the bride’s family would pay most expenses, except for the drinks and the honeymoon which would be at the bridegroom’s family’s expense. Nowadays, things are more flexible and expenses are split according to the two families’ incomes.
G
Now things are not nearly as complicated. However, it is still considered romantic and proper to ask your beloved if he or she would like to marry you and exchange engagement rings. The purpose of getting engaged is to show each other and others that you are no longer free and plan to get married, say, in two years’ time. One British couple has been engaged for over 35 years and are still not married!
H
Buying a suitable outfit for the groom is not difficult – he just needs a black suit and a flower buttonhole. However, dressing the bride is an altogether different matter. The answer is in this old rhyme, which is as relevant today as it was more than a hundred years ago:
Something old, something new
Something borrowed, something blue
And a silver sixpence in your shoe
‘Something old’ is usually given to the bride by a happily married woman in the hope that her happy marriage will be passed on to the new bride. ‘Something new’ symbolizes the newlyweds’ happy and prosperous future. ‘Something borrowed’ is often a valuable item lent by the bride’s family which needs to be returned to ensure good luck. ‘Something blue’ is normally a blue ribbon in the bride’s hair to symbolize fidelity. The placing of a silver sixpence or a penny in the bride’s shoe is to ensure future wealth.
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Opinion
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B
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Answer the following questions about marriage in our country: |
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At what age do most women get married? And men?
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How do most people meet their future husbands / wives: through the family; at parties, discos, clubs, etc.; at work or college, etc.?
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Do parents have to approve the choice of partner?
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Do parents ever choose the partner for their sons / daughters?
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Do people get engaged? If so, how long do engagements last?
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How long do weddings last?
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Are there any interesting features of marriage in our country? Do you know about any traditions and superstitions connected with marriages or the choice of a partner?
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5.3.2 Reading
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A
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Read the passage to find out why and how one of the partners was replaced at this wedding. What is the attitude of the writer to this story? How do you know what his attitude is? |
There was a story in the morning newspaper about a drunken bridegroom. He and his friends had been drinking before the ceremony and arrived in an excited condition. The bride’s family were furious, and its senior male representatives went to their counterparts in the bridegroom’s family to protest. The unfortunate bridegroom was sacked on the spot. But both sides needed to save family honour. Fortunately, there were several young single men at the wedding and a likely bachelor on the bridegroom’s side was selected. His income, family background and prospects – and, we can assume, his horoscope, too – were quickly checked by the bride’s family. He fitted the bill and was, moreover, sober. The marriage went ahead with the replacement bridegroom. One can only guess at the feelings of the bride.
(Adapted from India File by Trevor Fishlock)
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Meaning |
B | Find words and phrases in the passage which mean: |
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* equivalents
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* dismissed * was suitable |
* future expectations
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C How do you think the following people felt?
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* the bride * the new bridegroom |
* the original bridegroom (when he became sober) |
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Definition |
D | Answer the following questions: |
a. What differences in meaning and use are there between these words?
to marry, to get married, and to be married
bachelor, single, unmarried and unattached
b. Which of the following words can be used with wedding to form a compound noun like wedding ceremony?
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5.3.3 Vocabulary
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Family ties Decide which of the words in the box refer to females, which to males, and which to both. Complete the sentences below. |
a. A woman’s ______ is the man who is engaged to be married to her.
b. _____ are people who have been married but have divorced and are now single.
c. A _____ is a woman whose husband has died. A man whose wife has died is called a ___.
d. ______ is a formal term for ‘husband or wife’.
e. Someone’s _____ is a person other than their wife with whom they have a sexual relationship.
f. A _____ is a rather old-fashioned and derogatory word for an unmarried woman over forty.
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5.3.4 Quiz |
Use a dictionary to help you answer these questions if necessary. |
1. Which two of these words can be used as a verb: father, son, sister, mother, uncle?
2. Which three of these words can take the suffix –less to form an adjective meaning ‘without’: father, son, mother, brother, child?
3. Which of the following: brother-in-law, half-brother, stepbrother, foster brother
a. is someone who your parents are looking after as if he were a member of the family?
b. is related to you through your own or your sister’s marriage?
c. is the child of your stepfather or stepmother but not of your natural mother or father?
d. is the natural child of one of your own natural parents?
4. Which of the word-parts in the box can be used with each of the relations below?
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a. sister b. mother c. cousin |
d. father e. son f. uncle |
g. parents h. children i. daughter |
j. grandchild
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5. a. Which of these words and expressions means ‘a child whose parents have both died’: only child, orphan, unique child, lonely child?
b. What do the others mean?
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5.3.5 Speaking |
Read the notes. Speak about the words which refer to family ties in our country. |
The type of kinship words a language has is obviously indicative of how important the family is in that society. Yiddish has a word meaning ‘the father of the girl / boy I’m going to marry’. In Neo-Melanesian (spoken in the area around Papua New Guinea) they even distinguish between an ‘aunt by marriage’ and ‘a mother’s sister’, and between the ‘father’s brother’s child’ and ‘mother’s sister’s child’. In Njamal, an Australian aboriginal language, the words for father and uncle are the same; and in Italian they make no distinction between grandchildren and nephews and nieces. Many languages have words to differentiate between ‘my elder brother’ and ‘your elder brother’. As society changes some kinship words fall into disuse as the family bonds they are used to express are no longer considered to have important status.
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5.3.6 Word Choice |
Choose the right word to complete the sentences:
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1. How long has Sarah been ______ with Peter?
a. going back b. going in c. going out d. going up
2. They fell in love at first _____.
a. glimpse b. look c. sight d. viewing
3. How long have they been _____?
a. betrothed b. engaged c. financed d. intended
4. When are they going to _____?
a. get married b. marry them c. marry each other d. marry themselves
5. Peter has asked Michael to be his _____ at the wedding.
a. best man b. bridesmaid c. eyewitness d. godfather
6. Sarah has invited all her _____ to the wedding.
a. compatriots b. in-laws c. parents d. relations
7. Her parents have been married for 25 years and today is their _____.
a. anniversary b. birthday c. jubilee d. marriage
8. The people in the flat upstairs are always having noisy _____.
a. debates b. discussions c. noises d. rows
9. When her mother remarried, she got on very well with her new _____.
a. ancestor b. forefather c. foster-father d. step-father
10. A diagram that shows the members of a family and their relationship is called a family _____.
a. branch b. line c. river d. tree
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5.3.7 Reading |
Read the text and answer the questions below using the words in bold. |
Marriage is different from love. It is a good institution but I must add a lot depends on the person you are married to.
There is no such thing as a good wife or a good husband – there’s only a good wife to Mr A or a good husband to Mrs B. If a credulous woman marries a pathological liar, they may live together happily to the end of their days – one telling lies, the other believing him. A man who cannot live without constant admiration should marry a ‘God, you are wonderful!’ type of woman. If he is unable to make up his mind, he is right in marrying a dictator. One dictator may prosper in marriage; two are too many.
The way to matrimonial happiness is barred to no one. It is all a matter of choice. One shouldn’t look for perfection, one should look for complementary part of a very imperfect other half.
If someone buys a refrigerator, it never occurs to him that it is bad because he cannot play grammarphone records on it; nor does he blame his hat for not being suitable for use as a flower vase. But many people who are very fond of their stomach marry a cook and then blame her for being less radiantly intelligent and witty than George Sand. Or a man may be anxious to show off his wife’s beauty and elegance, marry a mannequin and be surprised to see in six months that she has no balanced views on the international situation. Another marries a girl only and exclusively because she is seventeen and is much surprised 15 years later to find out that she is not 17 anymore. Or again if you marry a female book-warm who knows all about the gold standard and the laws of planetary motions, you must not blame her for being somewhat less beautiful and temperamental than Marilyn Monroe. And if ladies marry a title or a bank account they must not blame their husbands for not being romantic heroes.
You should know what you are buying. And as long as you do not play records on your refrigerator and not put bunches of chrysanthemums into your hat, you have a reasonable chance of so-called happiness.
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What is your idea of the choice of a perfect partner?
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Do your acquaintances, friends and relatives fit this scheme?
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Do you believe that the opposites attract each other, or should people choose someone who is like themselves in character and views?
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Do you agree with the author of the article? Why / Why not?
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5.3.8 Listening
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A
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Listen to two people, Helen and then George, talking about their marriages. Then discuss with your partner the questions below. |
1. How did they meet their partners?
2. What did they think of their partners when they first met them?
3. What did their parents think of their partners?
4. Why did their marriages succeed or fail?
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Definition |
B | Match the multi-word verbs with their definitions. |
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1. to fall for someone 2. to take to someone/something 3. to stand by someone
4. to let someone down 5. to look on someone as something 6. to see in someone/something 7. to make up / to make it up (with breaking someone) 8. to grow apart (from someone) 9. to make up for something 10. to split up
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a. to compensate for something b. to become friends again after an argument c. to provide help or support for someone when they are in trouble d. to fall in love with someone e. to consider someone as something f. to find a particular quality in someone /something g. to disappoint someone, often by a promise or agreement h. to end a relationship or marriage i. to begin to like someone/something j. to develop separate interests and become gradually less close to someone |
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Drills
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C
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Listen to the sentences. Use the prompts you hear to make sentences with the same meaning. |
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5.3.9 Activate |
A
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In the conversation below, offer the statements or questions for (a) that produces the responses for (b). |
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Example:
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a. Do you think the two of you will ever split up? b. No, I think we’ll stay together for the rest of our lives. |
1. a. ___________________
b. Thank you for saying that. I consider you to be my best friend as well.
2. a. ___________________
b. Yes, she really helped me when I was in trouble.
3. a. ___________________
b. Good, I’m glad to hear the two of you are friends again.
4. a. ___________________
b. Well, you could start by saying sorry.
5. a. ___________________
b. No, after forty years we’re still very close to one another.
6. a. ___________________
b. Yes, I know. It’s always a mistake to rely on him.
7. a. ___________________
b. Have they? That’s really surprising. I thought they were such a happy couple.
8. a. ___________________
b. Yes, I was really surprised. I thought she wouldn’t like skiing at all.
9. a. ___________________
b. I hope you’re right, because I think I’ve fallen in love with him.
10. a. ___________________
b. I agree. I don’t understand why she thinks he is special or interesting.
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Interaction
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B
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Work in pairs. Take turns to ask and answer the questions below. Use the multi-word verbs from the box. |
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What is your idea of a good friend?
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Who do you consider to be your best friend and why?
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When was the last time someone disappointed you? What happened?
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If you disappointed someone, how would you try to compensate for it?
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What do you think are the most common reasons for people separating?
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5.3.10 Idiom |
A
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Explain what the following expressions in italics mean.
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It was a turning point in my life.
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He proposed to me completely out of the blue.
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Life is full of ups and downs.
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I started to have second thoughts about it.
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I started to see her in a different light.
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There has to be give and take in a relationship.
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Activate |
B | Discuss the following points with your partner: |
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examples of when you might need some give and take in a relationship
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why relationships have their ups and downs
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an important decision that you had second thoughts about
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something that has been a turning point in your life
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someone or something that has made you see things in a different light
C How are the following ideas expressed in Russian?
In what situations do we use these expressions?
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1. Love is blind 2. to be over the moon 3. to see the world through rose coloured spectacles 4. to have your head in the clouds 5. to be on cloud nine 6. to have your feet (firmly) on the ground |
D What is the difference between
1. to fall for someone and to take to someone?
2. to make up for something and to make up?
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5.3.11 Vocabulary
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There are two stories below, one about marriage, and one about divorce. Start in the middle column, which both stories have in common. Then read each story. Learn the marital expressions. |
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For the six months of our |
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engagement |
trial separation, I |
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seemed blissfully happy, so |
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we |
I |
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get married. |
get a divorce. | |
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There were lots of decisions to make: whether to |
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have a civil marriage in a egistry office or marry in church and have a white wedding. We |
sue on the grounds of incompatibility or his cruelty or his adultery. I
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finally decided on the latter. After that, it was mainly a question (I thought) of |
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where to have the reception and where to go on our honeymoon.
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how much alimony he hould pay and how much maintenance for the children. |
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The night before, |
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he had a stag party organized by his best man while I had a hen party with some girlfriends.
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I spent hours recalling all our anniversaries and going through correspondence with my solicitor. |
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When we arrived at the |
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church, |
divorce court, |
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we made a strange trio, I must say: me as |
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the bride, |
the plaintiff, |
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Richard as |
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the (bride-) groom |
the respondent, |
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and my little sister as |
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my bridesmaid. The vicar (priest) |
the co-respondent. The judge (magistrate) |
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had a lot to say and |
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the service |
the case |
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took ages. |
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‘Gwendoline Mary, do you take this man, Richard Percy, in holy matrimony, to …? |
‘I hereby dissolve’ – or did he say ‘annul’? – this marriage … and award a decree nisi to…’ |
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My father |
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gave me away, |
was in court with me, |
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and cried. It seemed very strange for a few days to say, |
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‘I’m a married woman.’
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I’m not a divorcee, but I’ll be in six week’s time when I get a decree absolute. |
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But I never regretted it. Well, … |
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5.3.12 Speaking
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Can you explain these headlines from local papers in Britain? Choose one of the headlines and make up a short news report to go with it. |
* BRIDESMAID ELOPES WITH GROOM IN CHAUFFERED LIMO
* Handsome Vicar Left Standing at Altar
* ‘For Richer, For Poorer’ Says Millionaire Bridegroom
* BEST MAN WEDS BRIDE IN LAST MINUTE SWITCH
* Honeymoon Couple Not Married, Says Real Husband
* Coffins as Tables at Undertaker’s ‘Till Death Do Us Part’ Reception
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5.3.13 Reading |
Scan the article and give brief answers to the questions below. |
All that’s left is A BAND OF GOLD
California, as we all know, is a land prone to earthquakes, in which the
ground splits asunder beneath one’s feet and one is likely to lose one’s
bearings. Luckily for us, such physical events do not extend far beyond that
state and we learn about disasters only through our news bulletins.
But the US, and California in particular, is a major source of dramatic psychological movements which first shake that country and then sweep eastward towards Europe. The energy of these waves may be diminished by the Atlantic crossing, but Britain absorbs the main impact. Even after the resulting waves arrive here, social changes have continuing effects in the US, extreme changes often generating a backlash or antidote which arrives here later.
Marriage and the family may have begun to come apart in the US earlier than in Britain, but the first reports of an antidote to family breakdown – family therapy – were coming ashore in the fifties when I was training, though I did not feel bold enough to get my feet wet and try it myself until 1962.
A recent swing of the pendulum in the US, still taking place, is moving not only public but professional opinion away from divorce towards the view that marriages should, if at all possible, be sustained for the sake of the children, even at the cost of the continued unhappiness of the spouses.
No doubt these changes of view will soon affect us too as the waves arrive, but in Britain nobody has reached any conclusions yet. Recent research in Britain compared those children whose parents had divorced with those whose parents had sustained an unhappy relationship. It found that in those families where the parents had split up, half of the behavioural problems of the boys, and some of the girls, were present before the divorce.
Even in the US, some experts are not following the new tide. John Gottman and other researchers suggest that children from intact homes where there is high conflict do worse in the long run than children of divorced parents, though the latter may appear more disturbed in the early years after the break-up before they ‘bounce back’.
I have outlined in a previous article Gottman’s claims to be able to predict the future success or failure of marriages with extraordinary accuracy, by observation of simple reactions such as the rise in heart rate and blood pressure during arguments.
His research has now led to some further interesting conclusions, and he challenges the commonly held view that couples who fight all the time and those who avoid conflict at any cost are the ones more at risk of marital failure. He found that in happy marriages the commonly expressed view that men are less emotionally expressive than women did not apply. His research also suggests that anger between spouses is not harmful except when it is accompanied by more lethal emotions like contempt or disgust; indeed, ‘blunt, straightforward anger seemed to immunize marriages against deterioration … disagreements and fights seem necessary in some degree in all good marriages, and avoidance of confrontation often results in avoidance of intimacy’.
Marriages, he says, ‘seem to thrive on, proportionately, a little negativity and a lot of positivity’. As to divorce, it is an unpalatable truth that some marriages cannot and should not be saved.
‘Not only do patterns of toxic marital interaction keep the body in a state of unhealthy physical arousal, they create a psychological climate of helpless misery … these bone-deep states of arousal can no longer be willingly controlled … Not only is it fatuous to suggest they just ‘try harder’ at this juncture, it may even be bad for their health – witness our data suggesting that staying in a hostile, distant marriage actually compromises the immune system, increasing susceptibility to illness.’
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What does the writer compare earthquakes to?
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What was the writer scared to do?
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What do British therapists believe about family breakdown?
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Can you sum up the findings of recent research in Britain?
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What conclusion has John Gottman reached about happy marriages?
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Why might staying in a bad marriage be bad for your health?
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5.3.14 Comprehension |
Choose the option that corresponds to the text. Is it different from your answers in exercise 5.3.13? |
1. What does the writer compare the earthquakes to?
a. psychological theories
b. news bulletins
c. crossing the Atlantic
d. the institution of marriage
2. What was the writer scared to do?
a. get married
b. get divorced
c. learn about family therapy
d. encourage people to stay married
3. What do British therapists believe about family breakdown?
a. It should be avoided at all costs.
b. It should be avoided if children are involved.
c. They are undecided about its effects.
d. They are critical of the American findings.
4. Which of the following sums up the findings of recent research inBritain?
a. Boys from divorced families have more behavioural problems than girls.
b. Problems amongst children from broken homes can be present before divorce.
c. Children of unhappy parents who do not divorce have more problems.
d. Children whose parents divorce have more academic difficulties.
5. What conclusion has John Gottman reached about happy marriages?
a. Women express their angry feelings more readily.
b. There are more good times than bad times.
c. Both parents are likely to engage in fierce disagreements.
d. Issues which could lead to arguments are avoided.
6. Why might staying in a bad marriage be bad for your health?It raises the blood pressure.
a. It increases the heart rate.
b. It reduces bone density.
c. It affects the immune system.
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5.3.15 Vocabulary
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A
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What metaphor does the writer use in the second paragraph of the article? Explain the figurative expressions from the article. |
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1. coming ashore 2. to get my feet wet 3. following the new tide |
4. ‘bounce back’ 5. create a psychological climate
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Which of them have a connection with the metaphor
in the second paragraph? Say what this connection is.
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Definition
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B
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There are many expressions in English which use words to do with weather. Explain the meaning of the expressions in these sentences: |
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I’m feeling a bit under the weather as I think I’ve got a cold coming on.
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Sarah accused me of making heavy weather of it but, actually, it really was hard work.
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This year his business has managed to weather the storm, but I’m afraid that next year things are going to get tougher.
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Unfortunately, as soon as David got wind of my plan to sell the car, he put a stop to it.
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The old lady said she always saved some of her pension for a rainy day.
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There was a storm of protest in Parliament when the Chancellor announced new tax increases.
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5.3.16 Discussion |
A
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Read the text and express your attitude to polygamy. Give explanations. |
About 25% of the world’s people live in societies where husbands can have more than one wife. Before the age of industrialization, this meant that a man could amass great wealth in acquiring several wives, although the wives themselves often maintained some kind of economic independence. The husband also played a relatively minor role in family life. However, in the age of compulsory education and increasingly equal rights for men and women, having extra wives and children has turned into an economic burden.
In many cases, when a man already has one or more wives, a potential ‘new’ wife is introduced into the family unit. Before she officially becomes a wife, she has to learn her future husband’s ways, the food he likes etc., and she also has to prove that she can fit in with the rest of the family. Then when the trial period is over, the marriage ceremony takes place.
B Answer the following questions.
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Why do we need families? Is the family ever likely to disappear as an institution?
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What are the pros and cons of monogamy (one husband, one wife), polygamy (one husband, several wives), and a polyandry (one wife, several husbands)?
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Should marriages be to people outside the immediate circle of relatives or immediate community (exogamous), or restricted to one’s own kin or social group (endogamous)? Is it better to marry someone from one’s own social class and nationality?
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Should couples be allowed to get divorced? If not, how should they resolve their problems? Why are divorce rates constantly increasing in the Western world, and what could be done to stop this increase?
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Should the mother or the father be the head of the family (i.e. matriarchal or patriarchal)? What roles do the mother and father play in our society?
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What influence have your parents had on your life? Whose influence was stronger – your mother’s or your father’s? Would you instill the values that your parents instilled in you into your children?
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Is descent in our society patrilineal (i.e. all children take their father’s surname), matrilineal (through the mother), or bilineal (through mother and father)? Should sons and daughters have equal inheritance rights?
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Should members of a family all try to live in the same area?
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What differences have you noted between family life in Britain / America/ Australia / any other country you know, and family life in our country?
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5.3.17 Translation
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Translate the words of the wedding ceremony. Are they different from the words you can hear at such ceremonies in our country? |
‘I require and charge you both, as ye will answer at the dreadful day of judgement when the secrets of all hearts shall be disclosed …
James Clarence Spencer, wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife, to live together after God’s ordinance in the Holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?’
- I will.
‘Rosalie Arlene, wilt thou have this man to thy wedded husband, to live …’
- I will.
…’Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?’
Harvey bustled forward and took Anne’s hand and gave it to the priest.
‘I, James Clarence Spencer, take thee, Rosalie Arlene, to my wedded wife …
… And thereto I plight thee my troth.’
‘I, Rosalie Arlene, take thee, James Clarence Spencer, to my wedded husband …
… And thereto I plight thee my troth.’
‘With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow …’
‘In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.’
‘Let us pray,’ intoned the priest.
‘O Eternal God, Creator and Preserver of all mankind … Those whom God hath joined together let no man put asunder.’
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5.3.18 Speaking |
Speak about your wedding or the wedding you’d like to have. |
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5.3.19 Writing
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Write and essay about what you imagine a happy family to be like. What should be done to make your family happy? |